NEWS FROM THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION (A PARODY)

“Daddy Debate” Cancelled
Mel Gibson's father will not be allowed to contact the spirit of Arnold Schwarzenegger's father for a special debate during a prime-time convention slot.

The International Jewish Conspiracy has put the kibosh on Republican convention organizers’ plans to have Mel Gibson’s father, Hutton, who denies that the Holocaust ever occurred, use the services of a Psychic Friend medium to debate Gustav Schwarzenegger, who helped make it happen.

“After the fix we put on the election last time, we want this one to look like a fair fight," said Ira Metzer, a highly-placed Image Manipulator. An old hand at elections, Metzer has changed his name to Douglas Smyth-Bageshot III for the duration of the convention. "It helps me blend in with the other 'average guys' in the GOP," he says through the eye-holes in the newspaper he pretends to read throughout our interview.

"We’ve balanced the stupidity of the GOP candidate by giving the Republicans complete control of the American media. We’ve allowed them to besmirch the reputations of decorated war veterans in both parties, allowed a bunch of blue-blood draft-dodgers to parade as men of the people and defenders of freedom. The reality is, with a war out of control and an economy in free-fall, if it weren’t for media manipulation the Republicans wouldn’t be having a convention – they’d be lucky to afford a room at the Motel 6 off I-95 in Delaware and a plate of wings. We aren’t going to have them screw up all our hard work with this sort of stupid stunt.”

Schwarzenegger, the thespian Governor of California, is not the only Republican to have Nazis in his family history, and George W. Bush has said that all Jews are going to hell. The International Jewish Conspiracy therefore considers it important, should the Government Oversight Committee see fit to re-install the current “administration,” that it look plausible for an electorate including 6 million Jews and other educated people to have chosen him.

"It's not an easy job," admits Smyth-Bageshot. "What a bunch of nut-jobs."