WHO WON THE DEBATES?

Presidential Debate Special: Who Won and How?: International Jewish Conspiracy Member Poll Results and Insider Peeks

An internal poll has asked the International Jewish Conspiracy's Membership to chart their reaction to the three presidential debates and one vice-presidential debate. Results, shown to above, pointed to a clear victory for the IJC.

Polled Members included likely voters (those who voted in previous elections for federal office), likely election falsifiers (those who have falsified previous elections for federal office), and mind-controlled goy zombies (who will vote this year regardless of voting history). Response rates were highest among mind-controlled goy zombies, at 100%.

Three Questions for Herbert Stimel, Personal Debate Therapist and Psychic Friend to Bush

Herbert Stimel, Personal Debate Therapist and Psychic Friend to US Puppet-in-Chief George W. Bush talked tonight to InJewCon Online (JOL) about his experiences this month.

What would you say is the hardest part of your of your job?

Putting up with George’s Fiddler on the Roof impersonation. He does all the characters and like a shmuck all with the same faux-Yiddish accent. He’s a sucker for show tunes, that guy, but he couldn’t carry one to save his life. He also does Pirates of Penzance but he changes the word Englishman to American and yucks it up like a kid. Milk came out his nose once. The only thing worse is Ashcroft singing Let the Eagle Soar in that smarmy ratpack warble.

Would you change any part of your job?

Well the hours are terrible. Bush gets up at 4 to go running, that Goddamn health nut. You can’t have a drink around him, it drives me crazy. And I wish I could change the Goddamn nick-name he has for me. He calls me Heebert all the time. Thinks I don’t notice. Also, two debates would be plenty.

What’s it like working with the President?

It’s ok. He takes direction well.

How does your wife deal with her pre-menstrual cramps while on the campaign trail?

What? What kind of question is that? What I don’t know about menstrual cramps is everything. She doesn’t mention them and I keep my kidney stones to myself.

What’s your best wash-and-go look for the debate trail?

I never have to think about it. My cousin Morty takes care of it all. He’s a great tailor, you can find him at IJC Member address removed for security reasons.

What are your top five stress reducers?

You can reduce stress?

Who’s your hero?

Blacula. That guy kills me (several minutes of laughter). Oh, boy. What a film. Really.

How do you keep your love life alive while on the road?

My wife’s a great woman. She's watched every Bush appearance I’ve scripted, and every time I've sent her flowers because I know how much she hates it. Personally I have to take some Pepto.

You wrote a lot of one-liners for the President, like “You can run but you can’t hide” and “Smoke them out of their holes.” What’s it like to be the brains behind the repetitive phrasing?

It was just "smoke them out" when I wrote it, no hole. Now every time I light a cigar now some smartass has to ask me if I’m going to smoke it out of my hole, it ruins the whole experience. There’s no punishment worse than a family of smart guys.