FOUND: ARAFAT'S LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

FOUND! Arafat's Last Will and Testament
I, Yassir Arafat, Excellency the President for Life of the State of Palestine, being of more or less sound mind and body, declare this to be my official Last Will and Testament, replacing last week's version. Upon my death, as medically verified by a trustworthy Jordanian, Egyptian or Tunisian licensed physician, and not a second beforehand, that the following actions be taken on my behalf and under my exclusive orders;

1.That the contents of my offices be immediately shredded and burned by my most trusted advisors and my mistresses.

2. Following that, that the locks to the Mukata be changed by a reliable locksmith and the bill submitted to the Israeli government.

3. That my most trusted advisors and fellow terrorists still on my payroll at that time, who have declared their willingness to become shaheeds for the cause of Palestinian independence, be called together by the executor of my estate, who will dutifully and without delay or mercy, execute them to help them achieve their lifetime goal.

4. That my wife Suha Arafat be given the keys to the safety deposit boxes I hold in various banks throughout Switzerland, France and Germany, which contains my lifetime accumulated "contributions to the cause of Palestinian independence" acquired from the beneficent generosity of naïve and well-intentioned western democratic countries, and which I have held in "trust" for the moment of declaration of independence of the state of Palestine. Unfortunately, since said independence has not yet taken place, Suha will continue to hold these monies "in trust" until Independence takes place or the money runs out, whichever comes first.

5. That my funeral be arranged by my good friend and lifetime colleague-in-arms, Fidel Castro, or, if he is not available, my equally good colleagues-in-arms-sales, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder. All of my fellow dictators are to be assembled in the front row. Leaders of western democracies who donated money to my "trust" fund are to be seated in the second row. Everyone else will be charged $US 100,000 for the privilege of attending my funeral, with proceeds going to Suha's Mourning Fund.

6. My pallbearers should be my closest friends and supporters who are still alive and not in hiding or incarcerated; Kim Jong-il II, Hosni Mubarak, Assad Jr., Kofi Annan, Ayatollah Khatami, and King Fahd. Eulogies should be given by Jacques Chirac, Hillary Clinton, Chris Patten, Shimon Peres, Yossi Beilin, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Jimmy Carter and Michael Moore. Plus maybe a few of my former prime ministers.

7. I wish to be buried with full Muslim honours on the Haram as-Sharif, or otherwise, in Paris next to Jim Morrison. At least, that way I will be guaranteed to have more visitors than all of the lousy European diplomats who troubled themselves to visit me in the Mukata without so much as bringing me any Twinkies or bootleg videos.

8. That it be my wish that my real lifelong goal be continued, that of killing all Jewish Israelis, without regard to age, gender, religious or political persuasion, even to the very last Palestinian, using whatever means possible at their disposal, even if an Israeli Prime Minister disengages from all territories over the Green Line.

9. That the Palestinian Television Network run officially-sanctioned tributes to me 40 days non-stop instead of the usual anti-Zionist incitement programming.

10. That Suha receive 90 percent royalties from sales of all Yassir Arafat memorabilia.